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stuck...

i thought i could change... but no!

months ago, i started to live freely with carefree thoughts which made me become cooler in people's mind. and i did enjoy every moment of life.. i planned for the future, relinquished responsibilities, cared more for myself as well as looking for a free life after graduating. well, i would travel to another land and then doing whatever i like, experience every aspect of life and live out of parents' view coz i know for a thousand years, they would never allow that wild life...

Thinking about that was really great and it became my lifebuoy those days.

But at this moment, i find something wrong. i don't know whether it's because i'm easy to get bored or because that's not what i actually want. once again, i'm stuck

i know, lying myself is the reason of solitude... yet, i can't live my life. i can't help. sorry!

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sorry

Sorry myself...

... i've never been to me

Sorry parents...

... i can't live a life as you expect

Sorry you...

... i can't be your side as i promised

Sorry...

... i can't love you back

and sorry my dear...

... i'm not good enough to understand and help you through till the end of road.

To life, i'm sorry...

... i've never truly lived any one day!

my bad...

just found out the reason of that end... it's me, totally my fault...

people like me, think that i'm interesting or mysterious and rush into regardless of my warning sign... sooner, they will discover inside this interesting person is a delicate soul, fragile heart with pessimistic thoughts... unintentionally, i myself create burden for them when seeing the innermost feelings... then, what come will come...people are confused and afraid of my true person... or get bored quickly once they see that nothing they can do to pull me out of those crappy thoughts.

i've listed dozens of reasons, yet never can i imagine about this... it's so simply!... why a sensitive person like me don't even recognize it early? or because i'm too busy drowning in dark leaden emotions?

an end...!

Last semester passed too quickly... too many things happened... end a long-time friendship, new friend, new relationship, break up... and everything's out of my hand...

Still can't i use any word to express those feelings... so just leave those memories behind with time and recall as unforgettable days i've ever ever had!

a mess

since when i start to indulge myself too much?
eating at luxury places, shopping at big plazas and drinking at expensive cafe... and spend all my 4-year-saving

tend to be alone more often, even karaoke for 3 hours long... alone... i always hate doing things alone... but there's no choice... as i find out that nobody in this world comprehends me or they can't walk together with me in the path of life

usually wake up in the middle of the night... cover by the extreme lonesomeness... pick up the phone and search for a name, just a name... but hopeless!

sometimes your name appears in my mind... not sometimes, actually all the time... and then i realize that we are drifting too far away from each other... the more i feel lonely, the more i miss you and awake that's impossible to reach out to you... such a vicious circle...so what is the point of thinking and missing?

too many times i've told myself to change...
but how?

[overall, there're 2 kinds of people in this world: the ones who really live and the others, who are merely existing, just sit around and contemplate the first type...]
is it obvious to see where i am?

gone

I’m gone

I’ve lost myself
... somewhere between the boundary of life
Leaving a quiet melody inside

... that I’ll never be able to sing out loud

Where am I?
... in a nothingville

I’m gone
Leaving an empty room
... covered with a lay of dust on the windows

... and only summer rain remains...